It’s dead and gone baby! Dead and gone!

(As per Nami’s request over this issue, I shall dedicate this to the little princess up in Brunei. So here's to you--from the lowly, 1987-born Aries southpaw in Malaysia).

Kim Ung Young--pemegang rekod budak paling bijak di dunia dengan IQ 210.

We have similarities, you and me. Kita berdua dididik supaya rajin belajar—kerana tiada yang lebih menggembirakan mak abah daripada melihat tanda A biru dalam kad laporan saban tahun. Kita berdua dididik supaya anti percintaan zaman sekolah—supaya tidak membazirkan intelek kita pada cinta monyet. Supaya meneruskan pengajian ke menara gading;  bak kata nenek “kau harus pulang dengan ijazah. Rugi orang seperti kamu tidak diisi dengan ilmu.”

Rugi, rugilah sangat tanpa ilmu itu. Tapi lebih rugi lagi, kalau hidup tanpa cinta. Bukan begitu puteri? Jadi tika saat ibu saya finally melepaskan saya ke dunia sebenar—saya terbang tinggi dan jauh untuk mencari cinta itu.

Namun cinta itu tak adalah cukup dibaluti gula seperti yang diceritakan dalam movie romantika. Aku untuk kau, dan kau untuk aku. Atau the stars are right; it is aligned, where we are destined to be. Ada masanya, sesempurna manusia yang kita mahukan, semestinya bukan untuk kita.

No, i’m not kidding. I’ve been there, done that. Yakin macam mana pun kita dengan ketinggian intelek, keperibadian diri, dan segala rupa tatarias wajah kita, all these things in the whole wide world—wouldn’t make this person fall head over heels for us. And isn’t it weird—the more we try—the more they move away from us!

The more they cringe at us on every meeting. The more they make excuses when we ask them out. The more they refused our gifts. The more they talked about us behind our back. The more they shout at us for those littlest things. It seems like every single thing that is on those 101 dating guide books can work on everybody—except us.

Apasal dunia ni tak fair? Apasal cuma kita saja yang kena (ya, ada lagi kawan saya begini)? Apakah kita tidak berhak mencinta? Are we destined to be loners and bitter old cat ladies for the rest of our lives? Why does our heart has to be chained to that person who’d rather have us dead?

Faking kan macam tu?

Entahlah dik. Tengok-tengok balik, mungkin manusia ni macam pieces of puzzle. Kalau main puzzle yang ada 1000 keping tu, walaupun ada 38 kepingan sisi menegak dan 27 kepingan melintang, rupa dekat-dekat sama pulak tu—tapi cuma satu kepingan boleh sepadan dengan kepingan yang lain.

Macam konsep soulmate kan?

But why do I always get rejected?

Well, simple answer, but very tough one to swallow: 

because he isn’t the one.

Apa nak kita tunggu lagi, really? Kalau dia bukan untuk kita? For me, tak guna bazirkan resources kita—duit, masa, tenaga, dan airmata—sedangkan orang yang perfect untuk kita mungkin sedang menunggu di hujung sudut jalan sana. All we need to do is keep walking forward.

“I can feel it, I can feel it, the personality is perfect, the stars are aligned, he’s the one for me.” Well scrap that shit. I’ve heard that, from my best friends, and from myself too. A day wasted with a man who does not love us—however perfect he is for us—will not do us any good. You may think I'm dissing your loved ones right now but mark my word—I'm saving you up for that person waiting up for you.

You may also think that I am just spewing crap out here—but I am talking from experience. I malu beb, malu. Malu dan ralat sebab habiskan berbulan-bulan mengejar malaikat turun dari langit entah keberapa—lepas itu direject macam kita ni makhluk tak ada bermaruah—dan lepas itu baru tahu ada humble human di bumi ini yang lebih sepadan dan sedia menunggu dengan tangan terbuka.

And then I was like thinking—why didn’t I see this before? Why didn’t I? He was just right there—right there all along, for so many faking years, and yet I am chasing this hurtful, emotionless angel who kept building a brick wall between me and him.

I don’t know about you girl, but I’ve come to this age when I’m tired of chasing a fruitless chase. Scrap that guy who can’t even appreciate the uniqueness that is us –the flaws, the beauty, the shortcomings, the strengths. I don’t wanna live my live as a sucky, limp, lifeless Mary-Sue in novels—who lets herself get stuck in a winningless love predicament that won’t get her anywhere.

So this year, I took the leap. Azam baru. Tak mahu lagi terikat dengan emosi angau yang entah ke mana. Tak mahu teringat dengan mimpi-mimpi kosong. Nak luahkan rasa cinta pada dia, silakan. Tetapi bila dia tolak, move on. Lupakan.

Kerana dia bukan soulmate saya.

Kerana, soulmate saya, sedang menunggu di luar sana.

Move on, move on. They’re dead and gone, at least to me.

gambar: credit to google.